come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
