Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
