My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
