All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
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