Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
