Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize