My room smells like vodka and shame
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I want her autograph on my taint
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Randomize
