I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
