Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I love you. Go after that dick
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
