The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Randomize
