god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
