well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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