I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
babies were throwing up all over the place
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
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