you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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