My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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