Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
