You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize