if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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