Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
