she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
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