I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
