I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Sorry my hands just texted you
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
