i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
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