I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
