my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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