i just sent this text using only my big toe
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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