My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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