Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
