did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
I am midnight drunk by noon
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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