your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
