Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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