How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
