I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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