I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
