FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Randomize
