I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
