im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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