How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Randomize
