if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
