I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
