he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
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