Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
