I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
