I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
