o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize