I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
