I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
