Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
