Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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