I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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