just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
