I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
