The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
How does one acquire holy water?
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Randomize
