Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I miss vodka workout Fridays
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
