I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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