he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
