I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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