I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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